It's been a while, and I wish I could blog things as they happen because I feel like so much has been going on, but now I won't even remember it because I didn't write it down.
Its school everyday for me, and it is pretty challenging to be expected to eat sleep and breathe dental hygiene and then also have a 1 month old baby and husband at home. My heart breaks every time I have to leave, but Brady does such a good job and never complains. I just feel so sad that some days when I've been gone from 8 to 4, I still can't help very much when I get home because I have SO much to study.
I've thought so many times about all of our blessings and so I need to write it down so that on those days I feel a little depressed I can remember how beautiful my life is.
I feel like I've had to rely on the Lord so much and that my faith has been strengthened because of it. Eleven months ago we felt pretty strongly that we were ready to have a baby and that it was the right time. We had been talking for several months and going back and forth about when we should start trying, if we were ready, and if we could handle it. We didn't know when the 'right' time was, but I knew I wanted a baby more than anything, and I knew it was time when I got so sad thinking about having to wait 2 more years to bring a sweet little one into our family. Brady had the same experience, and we realized that finally, we BOTH wanted a baby, which was a sign to me because we had each gone through times of wanting to start trying when the other didn't. Now that we were both on the same page we felt it was right.
Of course we prayed and thought about what it would mean and how we would survive with a baby while I was in school. We both knew that having the mother in school and away from home was not ideal, but I (we) felt confirmation that it was time. I knew that the Lord would not confirm something as important as bringing a child into the world if he did not know that we could handle it. I knew that I would have to rely on him during the hard times after the baby was born, but I never expected to see his hand in my life quite this much. I feel so incredibly thankful to be able to feel his love and know that we did make the right choice. It had been difficult for me while I was pregnant and telling people that I would still be going ot school, and seeing the looks of dissaproval and sometimes actually listening to the opinions of others on how I had made the wrong decision to go back to school. More than once I felt scared to death that I really had made the wrong decision, and several times cried to Brady. Always, he reassured me that I could do it and he could do it, and we would be okay.
We have been blessed with the sweetest angel baby in the world. I was not sick during pregnany! There were a couple alarming things that happened during labor, but I felt so calm during the entire process, and there were no real problems. She was born completely healthy and perfect. Such a sweetheart.
The hardest night for me was the first night we came home and I realized that I had no idea what I was doing. The baby was crying, I was trying to feed her (with not a lot of success) and she would cry more. All feelings of inadequacy mixed with hormones came to a point and before I knew it I was crying while holding a crying a baby. Brady was sweet and took her and hugged me at the same time. He reassured me that I was and would be a good mom...all while Olivia was still crying. Once I calmed down I took her and cuddled her up in my arms and though of how grateful I was for her and what a gift from heaven she was. She calmed right down. It was such a tender mercy to help me feel that she knew I was her mom and that things would be okay. We would all help each other make it through.
Everyday when I drive home from school I feel so good and happy. I can't explain, I just feel like things are going really well. I LOVE coming home to my husband and baby, and love being in school (well not being in school, but more the fact that I will become a dental hygienist). It is hard and its no secret, but I still feel so at peace with everything. I feel like we can do it. We have great family who have been kind enough to babysit her when we need it, and we couldn't do it without their help. We are blessed.