B+T

I decided to record this experience because If I had read or known someone else to have experienced this during their pregnancy I might not have freaked out as much as I did, and if I could save someone from feeling as terrified as I did then that would make me happy. This is really long, so I don't blame anyone for not making it through this one!

Around 14 weeks, I noticed some bleeding after I went to the bathroom. I had not experienced any spotting during my pregnancy with Olivia, so it scared me a little, but because it was such a small amount and it stopped immediately and didn't happen again for the rest of the day, I was confident that it was just random spotting. We were already scheduled for our first ultrasound the next day so I didn't even call the doctor. Everything was fine at the ultrasound and the heartbeat was strong.

We had another regular visit to the doctor at 16 weeks where the nurse had a really difficult time finding the heartbeat. I really wasn't too nervous because I could tell she didn't really know what she was doing. That sounds so arrogant, but trust me. I know how to take blood pressure and I take readings on all of my patients at work, so I could tell that she wasn't really taking it or at least didn't listen for anything, meaning she probably just made up a number. That bothered me because what if I had high BP? That's kind of important to know during pregnancy. Then she didn't really measure me like she was supposed to- again I've been measured so many times that I could tell. Then when she was trying to get the heartbeat she was putting the dopplar thing really high, like above my belly button, and because I had felt the baby move I knew she was in the wrong area. I realllly wanted to say "You're in the totally wrong spot. Move down!" Finally she figured it out and moved the dopplar down and found the heartbeat. It was strong. I want you all to know that I don't hate nurses, in fact I LOVE a GOOD nurse who is kind and will chat and SMILE at you. I have plenty of friends who are nurses who I know are wonderful at their job. I've even had great nurses at this office, just not this one.

Immediately upon my first step out of the  bathroom (after giving a urine sample) a different nurse came up to me  ambushed me, and kind of got really close to my face and asked quietly if I had felt the baby move.... which the other nurse had already asked me twice and I said yes all three times, this time a little annoyed because I was already annoyed at the other nurse for not knowing anything and also not being friendly to me whatsoever. I went back into the my room where Brady was and sat quietly and looked out the window, on the verge of tears. I couldn't even say anything to him about how I was feeling because I knew I would start crying. From those few seconds with the first nurse who had a terrible and cold bedside manner to the next nurse asking me for the third time urgently and quietly and in the middle of the hallway (where I could also see out of the corner of my eye the doctor look up and watch me to see my response) if I had felt the baby move, I felt like something was wrong. Am I crazy? I mean why are they asking a million times if I've felt the baby move? I was only 16 weeks so actually that's not a good indicator of if the baby is okay because its still pretty early and most people don't feel the baby move yet. Brady had even already felt the baby move. I was just totally confused.   I'm a pregnant woman people! Hormones are crazy, you should know since you're nurses of pregnant women.

I sat there totally confused because I had just heard the heartbeat. It did take awhile to find but it was there, and now it seemed like they didn't believe me when I said I felt the baby move. Combine this whole experience with the light spotting I had earlier, and well, like I said I was sitting there staring out the window not looking at Brady and doing everything I could not to burst into tears. I've heard stories of friends who have had miscarriages, and this is what they describe- a nurse who is unable to find the heartbeat who then leaves quietly and then the doctor comes in to tell the woman that she's lost the baby.

We sat forever and Brady was talking about something, and I tried to glance over and smile and nod to whatever he was saying. When I saw him I felt so much better. I just knew when I looked at him that no matter what was going to happen, not just right then but for our entire lives, everything would be okay. He would help me go through whatever it was, even if it was bad. I was just really thankful he was there with me at that visit.

Finally the doctor came in and everything was completely fine. Heartbeat was fine, baby was fine, things were fine. I still didn't feel fine though. I left there, after also trying to deal with the fact that they overcharged us (literally 6x's the amount we were supposed to pay because they said that our insurance wasn't going to pay anything...which is not true- that's a different post for a different time), feeling frustrated with the whole experience and frustrated that I wasn't able to enjoy this visit and enjoy listening to the heartbeat like I usually got to enjoy.

Not done yet. I was working and had started to get a little worried about the nitrous being used in my office. It's not used a lot, and I am never in the room with it, but I'm a worrier so I just started to worry a little bit. I was 19 weeks along. Luck would have it that the very same evening that I started googling nitrous and reading horror stories online about spontaneous abortion caused by nitrous I had another bleeding episode. This time quite a bit more blood. Bright red instead of light pink, and it didn't stop as quickly as last time.

I was a wreck! I called for Brady because I needed him to see what I saw to make sure it was really happening. I was bawling and so scared, and sweet Olivia came in the bathroom, looked in the toilet and started saying "Red! Red Mama, its red!" in her happy innocent voice. For some reason her sweet little voice brought a little comfort and helped me calm down a little, as in stop crying. I was still terrified. Brady told me to go sit down and put my feet up and he would put Liv down for the night. Liv saw that I was crying and kept saying "Its okay mama," and kissing me. She wanted me to hold her so she could hug me, and I told Brady that I would just put her down for the night. As we rocked in the rocking chair I felt unbelievably grateful for her and that Heavenly Father had blessed me with such a sweet child. Then I started feeling sad and nervous again at the thought of losing this baby that I'm carrying and I lost it again, right in the middle of cuddling with my sweet girl. She looked at me and was frowning with a sad face and just flung forward and gave me a big hug. I cried on her shoulder and then she got nervous and said "Uh oh, Dada!". I laughed and stopped crying and said "Its okay, Mama's okay". She is so special to me. How is it that a 2 year old child can know just the perfect thing to say at a time like that? She is a blessing.

B and I were both a little worried. I was too far along for this to be happening. The bleeding had stopped, but I was going to the bathroom to check every few minutes. He told my mom what had happened for me, and I cried on her shoulder again. B and my Dad gave me a blessing and I truly felt so calm afterward. I didn't know for sure if things were alright with the baby, but I felt so calm and comforted. It was a special experience for me. I thought I was feeling the baby move, but I was now so nervous and combining this with the earlier experience (described above) at the Dr's office, that I thought "what if its not the baby moving and I've been wrong this whole time". I went to bed still nervous that I would wake up in the middle of the night with cramping (I had no cramping with the bleeding) and things would go terribly wrong. I actually had to work a half day the next day (a Friday which I normally don't work on). When I woke up the next morning and nothing had gone wrong, and there was no bleeding, I was feeling a little more at ease. I was then just hoping that if anything was going to happen, it wouldn't happen at work.

Work flew by with no problems, no cramping, and no bleeding and I was really feeling better because I was still feeling the baby move. I still wanted to go to the Doctor's office though to be able to totally put my mind at ease and hear the heartbeat again.

We went and I had a great nurse this time. When she got to the part to listen for the heartbeat, it took a full 2 minutes to find. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it really is and when your already nervous 2 minutes feels like 20 minutes. She was putting me at ease by talking and explaining that this baby was really low and other things about this baby just not wanting to be heard. There was only one split second where I let that terrifying thought cross my mind again, and I almost started to cry, but I stopped myself and reassured myself that I had felt the baby move and she would find the heartbeat. Finally, she found it. It was strong. Things were fine! The doctor was great and comforting and said he'd order the ultrasound just to get a look at the placenta and make sure there were no cysts or anything. But he did reassure me that the baby was fine and the bleeding wasn't related to pre-term labor.

After that I felt 100% better! I felt excited again for this new baby to come home with us in May. I also felt like maybe I had over reacted and I was kind of embarrassed that I was so terrified, but then I realized that its not embarrassing. I think all those things were playing a part in me being terrified and I'm pretty sure if that string of events had happened to someone else they might have reacted like me. But things are fine, and you can still have spotting in the 2nd trimester and be fine even though the internet would have you believe that any bleeding in the 2nd trimester is most likely a huge problem.

Little girl is already so special to me and I am so incredibly thankful that she sticking around even though I'm already an overly worried Mother. I just love her so much and I can't wait for her to be here safe and sound!